Is Naomie A Terrible Girlfriend To Craig, Or What?

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Is Naomie A Terrible Girlfriend To Craig, Or What?
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Sorry this recap is late, I actually did it on time aka on Memorial Day like a fucking loser but then I kept forgetting to send it in so here we are. This week’s episode sucked anyway, as you’ll soon be able to tell from the dripping disdain that permeates every sentence of this recap. But uh, enjoy!

Craig couldnt graduate from law school because he couldnt satisfy his upper level writing requirement? Seriously? What a joke. This is like that time I almost didnt graduate college because I almost failed my rock climbing gym class because I  missed one too many classes because I was hungover. Except I didnt fail and also that mistake didnt set me back like, 80K in debt.

Also I thought my college was cold for making me pay $50K for a piece of paper but Craigs law school just gave him an email diploma. Thats way worse. Where did Craig go to law school, the University of Phoenix?

After a nice plug for Marshalls/Home Goods, Chelsea meets up with Cameran to shop.  We can stop with this whole zen room charade. Lets just get to the obvious Shep/Austen convo which we all know is the real reason Chelsea and Cameran are appearing in the same place at the same time together.

Cameran: So last night at our dinner party everything was great, there was no drama

Did we watch the same dinner party?

Cameran: Well of course Kathryn comes up.

Cam rehashes the phone call between Kathryn and Whitney. Literally why do I do this to myself and watch all these scenes that are just one person recapping last episode to another person? Also why does fucking Bravo do this to me?

Chelsea is like Well IDK I cut Kathryn’s hair and she seemed nice.

Cameran: I have seen Kathryn be an absolutely lovely person and Ive seen her be a complete horror.

I mean, the same could be said of most people. Classic Cameran, flip-flopping when Chelsea wasnt down to talk shit.

Craig meets Naomie for dinner to tell him he graduated law school. The first thing out of Naomies mouth is I dont even believe you right now.

Craig: 

What should have been a happy conversation turns into Naomie being like Well good thing you graduated law school because if you hadnt we wouldnt still be dating. Which then segues into Well are you gonna take the bar? Cheers to you finally being able to take the bar. Look, Craig is no saint but holy shit, I honestly feel so bad for him rn. I don’t even think she actually said “Congratulations.” But again, typical Naomie, turning a chance to be supportive of her boyfriend into yet another opportunity to take shots at him. Honestly, Im just sick of these people. Why do I do this to myself. *internally screams*

Shep calls Cameran to apologize and is like I just want to bake a cake of rainbows and smiles and we can all eat it and be happy.

Shep: Im not on anyones side. Im like Switzerland.

Thats exactly what I say when theres a fight in the group text.

Shep is instigating a three-way calling attack and inviting Cameran and Kathryn to lunch.

Thomas is telling his kids nanny about how he has a date. Is it with Landon or with some random 20-year-old? My money is on the latter.

Oh ok I lied, Landon and Thomas are going to dinner. But what about Drew tho?? Have she and Landon even broken up? This is savage.

Landon: I know how Thomas feels about me. I know if I were to say yes Id get a ring pretty quickly and get all the horses I want.

Well Im glad she didnt jump to any conclusions or be presumptuous or anything.

Thomas purposefully orders the most expensive bottle of cabernet and announces it like a fucking frat guy waving his credit card in front of the bartenders face. Landon pronounces Arnold Palmer like Arnold Palm-air and I hope Im not the only one who caught that. Yeah I know this recap is like, four days late but THE POINT STILL STANDS.

Thomas is making some dad joke about turquoise being from Turkey. Huh? Then he knocks over a glass of wine and says its just because Landon makes him nervous. That’s a funny way of saying “I’m wasted and pregamed this date”.

Landon: Well the reason Im here is because Patricia told me I should consider you as a suitor.

But how does Landon feel? Also, are we in the 1800s? Who actually says the word “suitor” non-ironically?

Thomas: Just tell the critics something intellectual. Like , use thee, thy, thou.

What? What does that have to do with anything? “Go fuck thyself” is apparently the new insult now? OK, Grandpa.

OMG that random lady at the table next to them is like Ive watched you and you two put out a chemistry Ive not seen before. And I cant just sit here and say nohtig. Ive been married for 34 years and I can tell you this little girl is your soul mate. You gathered all that by sitting next to them for 45 seconds? The fuck is this bullshit, Bravo producers? How much did you pay this lady?

The lunch three-way call begins. Kathryn rolls up and orders a regular Coca-Cola. Like what, you worried theyre gonna misunderstand you if you order a coke? Because if so… DM me the address of this restaurant right tf now.

Apparently the last time Kathryn and Cam talked was when Kathryn asked her to lunch and Cam was like Its a no from me. Ah, good times.

Whitney is making a surprise appearance at this lunch. See, I told you guys it was a three-way call attack. I guess its like a four-way lunch attack, more accurately?

Cam: Im nervous, Kathryn in the past has been a bit unpredictable

^Says the woman whos bringing Kathryns former hookup WITHOUT FUCKING TELLING ANYONE. But sure, Cameran. Fucking sure. Kathryn is the unpredictable one in this scenario.

Cameran: I dont want anyone to think this is an ambush.

She says as she ambushes them. Jesus fucking Crhist, are we sure Cameran isnt the former senator of the group?

This silence is so awkward and long I went, got myself some wine, and came back and they were still awkwardly staring at each other.

Cameran: Well Kathryn I want you to know that were here because we support you and want you to feel supported and in the past you didnt feel we supported you.

Whitney: In the past weve had our misunderstandings but its water under the bridge now.

Translation: I lied about the nature of our relationship but keep your fucking mouth shut.

Cameran: Are you totally checked out like with any romantic feelings with Thomas?

See this is the kind of shit I cant stand about Kathryn. Literally last fucking episode she was like I dont wanna get involved in Thomas and Kathryns relationship, it’s none of our business. And now here she is being like So Kathryn are you still in love with Thomas? Is there any chance youll get back together? I said it last time and Ill say it again. Get this bitch outta here.

Kathryn brings up the letter and everyone acts like they didnt already know this letter existed.

Craig meets Austen to do some golfing. I feel like the production team of this show also took a long weekend because why the fuck do I need to watch a 5-minute scene of Craig and Austen sucking at golf?

Holy shit I didnt know Chelsea has been engaged twice. No wonder the poor girl doesnt wanna jump into relationship with Shep Jr.

Shep goes to get his hair cut by Chelsea and hes like poor you, you have a thousand guys chasing you. Literally me every time one of my hot friends complains about guys.

Are we really still on this faux Bro Code thing where Shep is STILL mad Austen didnt ask his permission to go for Chelsea? Shep, calm the fuck down. Youre not her dad and Austen isnt asking for her hand in marriage.

Shep asks Chelsea What do you want? and she says I dont want to be married! Like uhh that escalated quickly. Then she adds I just think it would be nice to have one person you sleep with exclusively.

Uhh do you not realize that you just described a relationship? Yeah its a pretty typical and conventional thing people do. Not that outside of the box at all. Looks like Chelsea like other girls after all…

Thomas is planning a birthday party for Kenzie and he invites his dad and his dads like Well I cant come, Im going to the dentist at 2:30. LMAO. I could hear like, YEARS worth of disappointment in Thomas voice. Like, years of missed baseball games, high school graduations, birthday parties ouch.

Holy shit Landon is going on a date with Drew. YOU LITTLE MINX!

Landons telling Drew how she isnt allowed to call her website Roam anymore, which totally explains a lot.

Landon: It turns out, there are several other websites called Roam.

Gee, it just turns out. Its not like you couldnt have found that out easily if you had just fucking typed it into the internet or IDK, used basic deductive reasoning since you had to hyphenate your own websites URL.

Landons on this date talking about how her eggs are drying up. Christ, woman.

Landon: I dont wanna mislead you because I really like you a lot and I respect you.

So youre not gonna mislead him even though youve gone on dates with Thomas behind his back? Cool.

Ugh Landons crying. This s a fucking mess.

Landon: Im not gonna cry again.
Also Landon: *starts crying about how shes had her dog for 12 years and she hasnt had a boyfriend to walk the dog with her.*

Landon is like I just want someone to walk the dog with me! while sobbing. Christ, woman. Hire a TaskRabbit. Get it the fuck together.

Oh I lied its Saints birthday. WTF ever. Kathryn and Elizabeth are getting lunch or some shit.

Elizabeth: So whats gong on with you and Thomas?

Kathryn: IDK I sent him a letter but he never replied.

Elizabeth: He actually did write you a letter back. and I just so happen to have it here right now!!!!

Pulling a Chris Harrison starting Rachels season of during After The Final Rose.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/southern-charm-season-4-episode-9-recap

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